I thought I had some comedy in me

 I sat all day at a friends birthday which was more sad for him because I was the only one that came that he knew over two years. The devastating table I had to sit close to so differnt than anyone I have ever bonded with the norm. They are shutdown like every place I ever loved or emotionally the same. Not people worth bonding over, not sure if they’re talented or not but that’s irrelevant they just can’t be funny, they the only language I know. I sat alone impossible for me to interact I must have looked so, mean, cruel, or pretentious I wasn’t any I just couldn’t I shoulda left but what’s worse is the roach room I’m a social human I really really really hate not being around people if I love them or hate them I just can’t stand anymore empty.

Again its 9:30am at spring lounge alone every drink I have is vile I don’t enjoy an ounce of my drink or a minute of my life. I feel it in my bone marrow that I’m gonna go yellow, jaundice. It’s so lonely, I can’t romance it anymore I hate every corner every place every moment of my life. I really miss the person I use to be.

New movie

 I don’t want to feel strong I hate anyone that wants strength. Take me in a bathroom stalll I don’t care but I am aware of the powers that is me cause youre there and I give and I love confusion, the whole title 

But I’m not a boy and that’s why you love me this time imperfectT to expect half what you want Half that makes you guessS

we are sucking dick nonconseually in the room above your head because it’s not me that’s speaking but my mouth is somewhere instead. here to cum I’m along for it all. My heart hurts bad and my life’s so long, people watch like my wounds are strong they watch me hurt like a movies on and I’m not wrong I wound in front of everyone 

my insides dried up and died

 theres so much sorrow in involving myself in a circle that im obsessed with. i create a competition that to me seems real, that is definitely real, no one acknowledges it as real but we all know it is. i am a ugly paranoid person which makes it easy to fixate on something so simple as band rivalry in the midst of more horrific things going on in the world, that is a privilege to keep my world so small far from accuracy. when everyone leaves then im left alone the despair goes into my bones i distract even during a storm my mind is a simple tornado of vapid thoughts that would be manageable for anyone that was raised right. i dont have emotional intelligence to bite well to hold my own i am the most weak attack dog that people are slowly seeing. i am not a threat to anyone there is no respect held for someone that makes out with bottles above all else the fawning of my sickness was kute and attractive in early age, now grows pathetic with every passing day, no one feels empathy for a cutter over twenty five i am a robot, do it head to toe wishing.

the storm outside my window is pretty but makes the owl go away i only listen to music after drinking. sober i am on flower sheets gazing without a wonder in my mind i stopped all thoughts i am no longer active. the benzos i take everyday i use medicinally no recreation i use them utilitarian at a cost of my character, i cant handle an emotion anymore. i lost my job i cant see myself working again i will run this last check. i cant wear tank tops or short sleeves i have deformed my body i can only work in backrooms if im lucky if someone takes a chance on me. i thought i could be famous that will never happen i never even made a move. by chance one day i would be plucked out of my bed as a gorgeous individual flower. i am coming to terms with that i am not, my story is the same as everybodys. i ruined myself for a dream that was never possible, worse that i am not the artist i thought i was, i cant create without help, i need a platform on someone elses chair. no money can ever come of poetry i question if im even a poet. im just an alcoholic that thought i deserved more but you make your own future but i pride myself in never having one.

cie la vie
love
michelle

Lost my job and drinking alone

I can only think of this person as a type of angel or omnipotent enemy, everytime I drink alone downtown when I’m dangerous blue this person I met when I was 14  named Boogie will be at the same bar as me watching my demise. He has never missed a night, we haven’t said hi in years other than a head nod. The first time I saw hiM he was still in his skinhead phase, he was holding a baby and he was teaching it how to throw pennys at oogles. The oogles were covered in welts and I was neutral on the topic watching it go down from the search and destroy stairs. Wild after all these years he hasn’t gone ten blocks from Saint marks but there’s a respect in that there. He’s an omen of some kind, usually bad I fall out and he is usually close by not helping or harming just observing and I wonder if he has a story about me or remembers me as a kid. If you’re downtown look for the stickers that say “boogie lives” they will only be between Saint marks and 169.

It seems I can’t go 72 hours without someone really hating me making me paranoid constantly. I use to love huge social events I was so loud and funny and a bubble now I am need perpetual loneliness so the paranoia doesn’t take effect. I mourn the person I use to be, I’m glad that person existed though I hope I’m someone’s outlandish memory.

Broken hand broken life

 I’ve been using my broken hand to get out of work and still bill for it. It is also my excuse to have missed a couple days without updating this tho I think like my twitch show this in another failed attempt at attention. IF YOU SEE THIS PLZ COMMENT no one likes to drown alone. My dissent will not be publicized it seems. I did coke alone all night with strangers + Mateo at the god awful clockwork and my illness from abroad has kept my body looking spectacular. Found a place that charged me 14 dollars for a bottle of water and a grilled cheese, went to Tompkins and mourned everything I’ve lost in the past month. It’s horrible how this should have been a positive month on an artistic come up but completely deleted because of outside forces. My happiness is not dictated by my own achievements but how others perceive me, I am not an individual I am someone that only exists if I’m viewed by others and if we go by this blog that means I am already dead as I am being seen by no one, worthless words to the air. Next one will be funny we will try again. TLDR drugs alone at a lame spot, lost weight, I’m tinkerbell

LOVE YouU

-Michelle 

 i kept my promise update!!!

 

 ohmygod i did it again i drank all night alone and then knocked on my neighbors door his name is benny the amount of cocaine he has (pause here like an ellipsis) the wall i share with is built on such depravity while this gorgeous owl howls outside my window, thats not a michelle crazy        thing there is an owl i wish blogspot this mid website can capture sound. i ran back into my apartment but i still hear the rasp of my neighbor creating some of the worst songs ever made. i sat there while whatever his version of art was made then handed me what is actually a bucket of coke and i said "yes benny this is 100 perfect" lied "i love and show me more" i dropped out a second after that, there was another girl there who was as miserable as i was and she said happy womens day, we took his coke and i retreated while shes still entranced, stalked by the vapid incantation of who i once was. we both may have been young and happy but both found our way swallowing on mulberry in front of men who cant stop speaking. happy womens days!!!!

forever and ever
-Michelle!!!!!

came home nothing changed

I am back in my roach room where they have become addicted to an open bag of cocaine i left on my side table and they began eating the filters of my cigarettes. why would they leave now. some posts will be cryptic, this whole thing is to leave clues to a greater more dramatic picture. self injury pics will be shared, other posts will be comedic. This is pretty much a document into my decided descent. I DO GUARANTEE it wont be boring. COME WATCH!! mwah <333

month goal: i will lose a severe amount of weight before april 15
                    white claw intake will be scaled back and replaced with an increase of ketamine
                    white claw intake returns to normal upon the desired weight loss

love you
-Michelle