I’m am selling my life away to live so ugly I can’t even do sex work anymore I am old and so brittle I have no more options there is no life line to be held. If this is what 990 looks like it’s fine I’d rather be a rain girl or a street cunt I fucking hate this place it’s gorgeous how no one will help no amount of love or past passions will allot care in someone’s heart. If you aren’t visceral here and now it’s never happened. I am laying under a treee and n 6 and A it’s not a park this sidewalk fits. I am training myself to commit to what I owe myself. Stark clipped arms that can’t pick up anything let alone a job or joy. I am here and this is me the final level. I do blame the world for not giving me an ounce of care for being raped for never letting me wash dishes for a check I thought people liked me broken. No one likes me any which way I am not a thought I am never remembered. No one will let you work not because you’re neglected faggot Michelle no one will let you work because you’re a ghost who is never thought about you don’t exist in anyone’s mind drift away beautiful girl this world isn’t for me it’s ugly. 

 I fucking hate you so deeply I fucking hate you it makes me sick I wish we never met my eyes are worse viewing you I fucking hate you I hate you I hate every step you take I fucking hate you so deeply I can never be normal how much I deeply feel such sorrow and ugly In my soul I fucking hate you 

I have my heart to the wrong people I am always fucking betrayed I got to sleep feeling ugly paranoid never content I don’t trust a friend anyone it is constant constant constant plague I should have never been allowed to love never should have been allowed to be intimate it is not worth it if this what comes of any of this it is not worth it. The despair I feel is entrenched it makes my pulse swell it beats incorrectly I don’t look forward to weekends or beautiful weather those are just days more to be betrayed. This isolation is driving me to danger I view every one I share eyes an enemy I loved this city long ago but there is no room anymore and no where for me to go I do want to delete I hate myself I hate everyone I cannot grip pillows any longer life will not get better disdain for my arms makes me split them open over and over I want to have reflections on my body to remind me how ugly I am how ugly the choices I made how ugly people have been to throw me out betray me constant. Can the whole world be wrong it must be me an easy fuckup not worthy of love or respect I am the ugly worst I hope the heart attack comes with month in June 

birthday party

 birthday party!!!

i never leave my house if i feel boring i bed rot until social inspiration bounces
to me like spring

i justify being anywhere for free i hate when people can see the vapid of me
when i stutter, a loss of anything i dont present myself the appropriate way

i try to stay hidden until i am perfect so outside air can help me grow but
social life is a jail and i go out and misrepresent how im portrayed.

i become funny affluent with conversations but always bad at one on ones i enjoy to speak to groups
elation dedication to continue something comedic to half strangers and an almost friend
to disappear for weeks after i hope they left hungry with a nice memory of who i framed
myself to have been that night, it helps me go to bed happy almost but always ugly

one day there will be consistence when and if i shake loves leg braces
tied to benches
where i wait for someone alone tied sadly to another who takes away
my blood my brine everything that reaches my mind i am basic you steal my sunshine

brains dont work when jealousy is present and knees cant bend when
no one can admit we are all in the same position

i never wanna love again. its a birthday wish!!! regrets i shoulda wished
before i knew all this. theres been so many none of them tragedy, i dont understand
the grey towards the concept. sex with love is better than sex with lust i cant be satisfied
without the combo of the two its a hollow desire a hollow match something that brings guilt when your eyes peer threw window blinds to a cat that youve never touched someone loves that animal
and il never remember the beauty between that night, or if either of us did. more often than not
i regret it ever happened. guilt is why my body grows wrong
guilt is why i have different sizes for each boot

pleasure makes songs sorrow, it doesnt make sense to have such revile for yourself
as someone smiles warm and holds, surround sound betrayal towards a king or queen that
doesnt rule anymore yet i wish and i hide i wont allow myself to think thoughts of love
that concept isnt for everyone. let it bypass me i am a body unfit for the songs of the birds the bees the ocean and the trees.