Mid

I always thought it was the paranoia that would kill me. Loneliness is such despair I fixate on those so loyal that I threw away. my beauty years behind me and my tongue no longer sharp. I had so many opportunities to be loved. I stare at every tile on the floor dwelling what if all the rape never happened. Maybe I’d be successful maybe I could love healthy. I disfigure myself and only harm I’m not allowed to love I can’t even comprehend I wish he+ didn’t fuck me play with me pass me around I am so fucking ruined from it. I am so desperate for affection but I lash at the first mark of intimacy. My life isn’t ruined but il never feel peace I will never interpret love properly.

-Michelle 

For a day

It turned on me michelle

 My fave thing in the world the most consistent girl because alcohol is a women has turned on me!!!!!! This entity I gave my life to has made me jaded and a huma eyeroll. I saw someone get hit by a car again I am a magnet for car crash witness I was shocked autopilot I ran up to his crushed legs he waved me away as if everything and everyone was okay, the person that hit him came out and they finessed it together and I went on my way. I ate ramen alone minutes after that’s why I was walking towards that horrible place on 4th and 1st but I love it because they never close and that old man is kute and kind and it’s usually me and no conversation had ever happened. Tonight I was with close friends old friends not the new people that moved to New York that I justify not talking to u see the guise that I’m shy or that they are dry true deep friends and I still sat with all my comedy rotted away with nothing to say. What will invigorate me to be the person I was the vibrant bubble I feel was buried long ago or is this me now the shell of someone I once was. Artistically I am the best I ever have been attention wise even when I should be proud though I go and drink alone. The paranoias have made me a closed envelope the most weak paper, easily opened if someone tried to pry or ask. My brain chemistry navigates to threats then I do my favorite thing alone consume and consume. Conversing and consuming held hands when I was wired right something is wrong I end up alone and I hate being alone. There is no calmness or stillness in alone. My fave thing turned against  me, permanent I think. I’m viewed from afar as boring with no tongue, the same person I once hated for never contributing. Time comes for all of us.

Love 

MICHELLE

Forever

 I hate how my room makes my skin hurt more than the bench on the train. my face rests here to sleep more comfy.

I hate that emotional pain hurts more than punches to my eyes or head I crave that actually I hate conflict but I wish to be hit so I know why I’m confused on everything I do

Matters of the heart I’m wrong every single time every time everyone. 

There’s no poetics anymore. I am so unbelievably so uncomfortably sad. The paranoia is gone fully that is so scary there is no room for it. It is despair. It is lonely. It is ugly. It is just simple sadness to my eyelashes to my cuticles. Nothing to no one to latch onto. I am sad I am so sad. 

-ugly fake girl Michelle 

Suppose to be funny

 This was suppose to be funny this whole blog. Funny until I offed at this specific date. No riffs or comedy has happened. It’s now turn into an actual journal where I can’t write this anywhere on social media or into my laptop because it is dead as me. No ones here so it’s confident. It isn’t the depression that matters, it’s not the paranoia. The paranoia runs my life that’s been forever so dumb bitch Michelle knows how to deal with paranoia. It is loneliness, lonely will kill her. She is obsessed with protection maybe there’s no attacks tho she needs to be protected. Its constant is exhausting she is a weak minded feeble charity case. To love Michelle is to protect her even against things that do not exist. It is hard that’s why she is unlovable she focuses on things that aren’t there. The trick with this cross eyed loser is to just get her to lay down, fight the people real or not and promise them they’ll be safe. Thats it. It’s never going to happen because she’s so delusional that no one will take on this task expect a ER nurse, sadly she has no talents sadly she has no money so sadly she has no nurse. she will drift and die in bed alone. She was talented but ugly stupid vapid and cruel mostly. We tried but this is the end very soon, she sleeps very soon, she has slept soundly the past few nights, that’s worrisome for us. If this is the last post, she was cruel and ugly but poetic, interpreted everything wrong, so poetic how she viewed ugly through her eyes. She saw everyone the worse but convinced it could be better. Gorgeous leaves were ugly falling stones that she got to hold smooth until they turned to dust. 

Goodbye soon

All of us

at my funeral I don’t want anyone to be partying or enjoying themselves. I don’t want people to be like “she would want us to have fun” no shit like that. Complete devastation and mourning only, hopefully some people kill themselves over my death, best case scenario.